weird life
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: stuff
Topic: weird stuff
okay well i'm staying at a buddies place that made me feel really awkard today when i came back home from a freinds party. He felt "violated" because i did'nt invite him. But yet again from hanging out with me hes already sick, i mean drinking and smoking and he does'nt even like beer and said he did'nt do weed. At the party all there was was smoking weed and drinking lots of beer, both the weirdo with the weak stomach would'nt be able to handle..Anyways after i told him that he would'nt have enjoyed it in the first place, he STILL felt violated. and its almost like o god i don't want to argue with you. So yeah why am i staying with this crap? well i got kicked out of the house out of personal choices and now i got to look at staying somewhere else like Wydam house or something. Well somewhere other than here, i mean not only did it get awkard, but i don't think we'll ever party as buddies again. Apparently hes cutting me off by not buying tabacco or alcohol. Theres nothing else to do, so why don't we just chill? i don't know why but my life is an endless rollercoaster that can really give you a headache sometimes or its really confusing and unpredictable....

well....
Now Playing: where did you sleep last night?
i'm on the boarderline of being normal and autistic. how more confusing can things get???

insane
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: whatever enspires me...
I feel like i've lost everything. I'm a passionate person and i like to cuddle and care about a person. I'm such a lover, but i've been hurt. I'm used to the trend of being just given objects instead of being wished to have a good time which ppl do when they have nothing to give. I am really confused, but i know its not going to happen. I felt like i've lost the last thing thats emotional, good to humans in a warming way besides gifts, my passion. I could possibily just try to really like a person, but whats in the way is that i've been hurt. Maybe since were "freinds" i should just talk to him about my feelings, throught an email which is what i'm used to anyway. because if i don't i feel like i've lost it, to remain confused and hurt and not going on in my life. Nowadays guys are just objects to me, just someone to fuck. I would try and be lesbain, but i just like guys soo much. Its an impossible sacrifice, so i need to do this since i don't trust this for other hurt reasons, but i should probally try and remind myself- your "freinds" with him.... so if i do this i feel like i've lost everything. I want a guy that smells good, nice, hansome- you know the ones that have girlfreinds.. for all the passion thats made to love it, to love is almost a lost cause. Which is were i am right now. Its wrong to want like this, but why is it a positive clique to love another?

confused and depressed and smoking
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: nevermind by nirvana
Topic: ....
well yesterday as if i was'nt nervous enought talking to some random ppl i met this guy i knew in the hall. I thought i'd never see him, i never thought i'd hang out with him.. and thats when i started to get even more nervous, he sais hey, wanna smoke some pot? i figured yeah i'll do it i baddly need a smok anyways and this was before i got my lights that i only smoked the green. Anyways i meet his gf, i thought i never would but i did. she does'nt bug me at all. So why am i soo nervous, heres the story: i decided that i liked this guy alot i was hanging out with for a week, we both got really comfortable i guess you could say and yeah it hurt me really bad when after it all he hooked up with this nasty bitch. Anyways, this was the first guy i was happy with and felt comfortable with. now i'm depressed cause images just run in my head about yesterday, just looking at the guy i hearted being with another girl..
the other night before after a couple of martinis and some good hours of sleep, i realized oh i just only had feelings for him, so i wrote in my journal and completely felt like i've gotten over the obvoius.
I feel like shit sometimes when it comes to thinking about guys. because besides this i've had other bad and weird experiences. but i'm completey split, on my other side i think that i should start dating and give other guys a chance. but its impossible to use only the one side and the bad side comes up naturally, weather i like it or not.
I think this depression is contributed to my autism, since i don't like the thought of feeling isolated. I wish there was a cure for this emotional problem but their is'nt, just talking to a whole bunch of concellers, but fuck that i decided to get myself a pack of players lights. I've already smoked one and it was hard to sleep at night because of my heart still beating rapidly and my chest felling weird from the cigs. But i don't feel that tired, i feel blah right about now, since i'm taking the chance to expose myself on the world wide web. but anyways i just hope i only need about a couple of more cigs today to get me thought because for one thing, that pack cost me over 9$.....